Jaaaaaaaaaaa: JOKES

"You know Helen, my husband says he knows where woman are made..."

"WHERE?"
"At FATTIES & MOANIES"
"Do you think he meant we look Italian?"

Rembrandt painted 700 pictures in his life time and Americans have all 7000 of them.
I just flew in from New York. Shame, your arms must be tired.
They say the baby looks like me. They turned him upside down.
We feed our baby onions so we can find him in the dark at night.
I was a premature baby. My father wasn't expecting me.
Our baby was so big when he was born, the doctor was afraid to slap him.
Our baby swallowed a pin. Luckily it was a safety pin!
Were there any great men born in this town? No only little babies.
Is your husband helping you with the baby? Sure, he takes naps for the baby.
Is the baby a boy or a girl? Of course, what else could it be!
My bank sent me a letter saying it's the last time they will spend 50 cents to tell me I have 2 cents in my account.
I would go through many things for you. Let's start with your bank account!
"The bank has returned your check." "Great. What can we buy with it this time?"
At her age the only way she'll get 9 men to run after her is to play baseball!
Do you serve woman at this bar? No sir, you must bring your own.
I wanted to give you something you need but I didn't know how to wrap up a bath tub.
My doctor said I must bathe in milk but I couldn't get into the bottle.CLEAN JOKES FAVORITE!
Drink a glass of milk after a hot bath. No doctor, I don't think I'll have space left.
Do you call that a bathing suite? It looks like they haven't delivered it yet!
"I've just come from the beauty salon." He: "Too bad they were closed.
My wife found a Hair Salon with a recovery room and family counseling.
My wife does bird imitations. She always watches me like hawk.
He never forgets his wife's birthday. It's the day the ambulance usually picks him up from work.
I was born on the 1st of the month, so they called me Bill!
"When is it your birthday, I would like to get you a present!" "You are way too late. I was born many years ago."
He stayed up all night studying for his blood test.
He thought he was clever because his blood test results said A+.
She waited so long for her ship to come in her pier collapsed.
Heard about the little tug boat that committed suicide when he discovered that his mom was a tramp and his father was a ferry.
"Quick operator send an S.O.S!" "How do you spell that?"
I can't give him a book as a gift. He may already have one.
I read her like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.
Some of today's movies are so long, it takes less time to read the book.
It took me a whole year to write a book. Stupid, you can buy one for $5."CLEAN JOKES FAVORITE!
Are you an avid reader? No I've never read avid.
So is your husband a bookworm too? No just an ordinary one.
Have you ever read a book by Shakespeare? No only by candlelight.
How did you like my book? It was good but a bit too long in the middle."
Boxer: "Have I done him any damage?" "No, but keep on swinging the draft might give him a cold."
If looks could kill a lot of people would die with bridge cards in their hands!
It's amazing what fine poker hands I get when I play bridge.
She's been married so many times that wedding bells sound like an alarm clock to her.
I heard you and Nita aren't dating any more? Yes she began to have bride ideas.
She walked to the altar so many times, they're trying to make her pay for the carpet.
The boss said if my work doesn't improve he'll fire me. He can't because I don't do anything!
I'm not late boss, I just took my coffee break before coming in.
"Yes, Boss, I'm now saving my coffee breaks. When I have enough together I'm taking Friday off."

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish 'n' Ships
Life Guard: Don't dive off that board! There's no water in the pool! Dummy: It's ok I can't swim!
How did the Dinosaur pass his exam?
With Extinction!
1st Monster: What's the best thing for water on the brain?
2nd Monster: A tap on the head!
How do Hypnotists get from place to place?
By public trance-port!
Why did you swallow the coins my boy?
You said it was lunch money!
What kind of mail does a super star vampire get?
FANG-MAIL!
What do elves do after school? Gnomework!
What do you do when you get a headache? I do what they say on the box - "take 2 tablets" and "keep away from children"!
Where do giant spiders play football?
At Webley Stadium!
My grandfather is a bit hard of hearing so he does lip reading. I don't mind the lip reading but he uses a yellow highlighter!
Who can you trust with a secret?
A Mummy... they always keep things under wraps!
Why is exercise so important?
So that you can die healthier!
What do you give a seasick five stomached monster?
As much room as possible!
Why are monsters fingers never longer than 11 inches?
Any longer would be a foot!
How did you burn your ear Frankie?
I was listening to the match!
I have no idea why the doctor told me to get into shape! Is ROUND not a shape!? LAUGH FACTORY FAVORITE!
How do you know when a clock is hungry?
When it goes back four seconds!
Do you have holes in your socks? NO!
Then how do you get your feet in?
The 1st restaurant on the moon didn't do very well. It had great food but no atmosphere!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Luke! Luke who? Luke through the keyhole then you'll see who!
What do you call spiders who have just got married?
Newly-Webs!
Why are there candles and bulbs in my lunch box?
You asked for a Light Lunch! A Laugh Factory favorite!
Why couldn't the ghost get a drink at the bar?
They don't serve SPIRITS!
Why can't you play practical jokes on snakes?
You can't pull their legs!
What do invisible people drink?
Evaporated Milk!
What occurs once in a month, twice in a moment but never in a day? The letter M!
What goes up and down but never moves?
Stairs!
What are the largest ants in the world?
Gi-ants!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had noBODY to go with!!
What do they call the cause of death if an axe fell on you? An axe-i-dent!
Why do they compare men with roses?
You have to watch out for the pricks!
How do you know if you are crazy?
When you don't suffer from insanity but you enjoy every minute of it!
Why do you meditate?
It beats sitting around doing nothing!
Don't complain about the dentist fee of $90 for 1 minutes work to extract a tooth! He can make it last longer!
Why do woman have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink to do dishes!
Why won't Cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny!
I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how is it that I'm alive at 150?
Good things WON'T come to those that wait! They have to take the things that are left by those who got there first!
Did you hear about the cemetery that raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living!

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!

What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.

Boy: Do you like parties?
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"

Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

Lesbians can also take Viagra. They don't have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.
Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.
Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.
Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.
Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.
Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.
Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.
Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.
Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!
Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.
Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A. The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q. Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A. They've had so little use.
Q. Why is a conductor like a condom?
A. It's safer with one, but more fun without.
Q. What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A. God knows He's not a conductor.
Q. What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A. The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q. What's a bassoon good for?
A. Kindling for an accordion fire.
Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.
Q. What's a guy that hangs out with musicians called?
A. A drummer.

Q. How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight?
A. He dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!

Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A. You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q. Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A. Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

Q. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in.

Q. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A. "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

Q. How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What is the range of a piccolo?
A. Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
A. When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.

Q. What's the difference between a pizza and a drummer?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q. If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver.

Q. Why are so many violists dating drummers?
A. It makes them feel superior.

Q. What's the difference between a sax player and a lawn mower?
A. One cuts grass and the other smokes it.

Q. What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?
A. Leave them there.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
A. Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.

Q. What do violists and Mike Tyson have in common?
A. They both are hard on ears.

Q. Why is intermission only 20 minutes long?
A. So that the cellists don't have to be retrained.

Q. Why are harps like elderly parents?
A. They're both unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fianc�e is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

MEMORANDUM

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with...
OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit

PREFERRED: Of course I'm concerned
OLD: Ask me if I give a shit

PREFERRED: I wasn't involved in that project
OLD: Its not my fucking problem

PREFERRED: I'm not sure I can implement this
OLD: Fuck it, it won't work

PREFERRED: I'll try to schedule that
OLD: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner

PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem
OLD: Who the fuck cares

PREFERRED: He's not familiar with the problem
OLD: He's got his head up his ass

PREFERRED: So you weren't happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass

PREFERRED: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment
OLD: Fuck it, I'm on salary

PREFERRED: I don't think you understand
OLD: Shove it up your ass

PREFERRED: I love a challenge
OLD: This job sucks

PREFERRED: I see
OLD: Blow me

PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it
OLD: Another fucking meeting!!!!

PREFERRED: I don't think this will be a problem
OLD: I really don't give a shit

PREFERRED: He's somewhat insensitive
OLD: He's a fucking prick

PREFERRED: She's an aggressive go getter
OLD: She's a ball busting bitch

PREFERRED: I think you could use more training
OLD: You don't know what the fuck you're doing

Hold mouse up to ear like a cell phone and yell "I can't hear you!!! You're going to have to speak louder!"

Play Pac Man and state to person next to you, "These new games are incredible!"

Practice 'spinning mouse mat on index finger' globe trotter routine.

Put your monitor's contrast and brightness on full. With wide open eyes yell "It's going to implode!"

Tell the cashier you wish to redeem your free 1000 hours and hand him a bag full of collected AOL promo CD's.

Typing hard and loudly looking behind you yell, "STOP MAKING ME TYPE THIS - IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE!"

Sit at the web terminal... without a chair.

Wheel your leather executive chair into Internet cafe and up to the computer with the largest monitor. Sit down, turn to the person next to you handing them a stack of papers, "Get these photocopied right away, the president wants them by end of day."

Casually look around the room for people in chat rooms, log into the same chat room and after a brief and somewhat disturbing conversation state "Your blue jeans go well with your white shirt."

Use computer's speakers to play collection of Sesame Street MP3's.

Dress up in ragged and worn clothes. Walk into an Internet cafe that uses Windows with squeegee and bucket, begin to squeegee monitors for spare change.

Draw two red lines on either end of the floor with a marker, recruit other interested racers and rev up your wheelie chairs.

Turn off the lights and have a Star Wars light sabre moment with your optical mouse. (Darth Vader sounds are encouraged for extra fun).

Show up in hand cuffs and gagged mouth. Use foot to navigate mouse and visit 'escaped fugitives guide' web site.

Put 1.44 disk in drive and have person next to you do the same. Place bets and EJECT - furthest disk is the winner!

In the middle of writing an email, turn monitor off and sigh "Ahhh not again!!!", turn monitor back on and utter "Oh thank goodness!". Repeat until you see concerned faces.

50 fun things for professors to do on the first day of class...

1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2.After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4.wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."

7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."

9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."

10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

13.Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex Machine."

16.Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19.Address students as "worm."

20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

22.Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23.Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

24.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

25.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

26.Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

27.Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

28.Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

29.Growl constantly and address students as "matey."

30.Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."

31.Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

32.Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

33.Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

34.Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."

35.Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

36.Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

37.Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

38.Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at the bass while you lecture.

39.Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40.Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

41.Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk."

42.Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43.Pass out dental floss to students floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

44.Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for you class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45.Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in you grade book.

46.Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

47.Warn students that they should being a snack lunch to exams.

48.Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

49.Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field."

50.Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"

Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define
the conditions."

Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.
"With that she sat down red-faced. Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have
a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

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